February 21, 2007

Six foot twenty

In like Manner, since our Imports of Spirit have become so precarious, nay impracticable, on Account of the Enemy's Fleet which infests our Whole Coast, I would beg leave to suggest the propriety of erecting Public Distilleries in different States. The benefits arising from the moderate use of strong Liquor, have been experienced in All Armies, and are not to be disputed. In the present situation of Affairs, Our Soldiery cannot obtain such supplies, as are absolutely necessary, and if they are fortunate enough to get any, it is from the Sutlers, at most extravagant rates and at such, as are incredible to tell of.
-George Washington

If you're anything like me, you just skipped that whole italicized section and started reading right here. Unfortunately for us all, that section is the whole point of this post so I'll paraphrase it for you lazy jerks:

Dear yet unborn United States,

Send money. The soldiers and I need alcohol. These turkeys you call citizens are ripping us off. Wouldn't it be great if alcohol was free. Get on it!!!
-Your pal GW

I didn't mean to bore the crap out of you with that but I think that the preceding section of a letter from good old George to the Continental Congress during the revolutionary war is fascinating. For one thing, impracticable is just a made up word (ed. note. impracticable not found in paraphrased version and impracticable is indeed a word). Also, what's with nationalizing liquor. No wonder ladies loved his gallant stroll. Damn drunken commies.


Anonymous said...

Word on the street is that he saves children, but not the British children

the unbeatable kid said...

I heard that he once held his opponent's wifes hand in a jar of acid at a party. Could be just a vicious rumor.