September 12, 2008

Offshore Drilling



If America is “addicted” to oil, and our president used that word in particular to imply that such an addiction is not beneficial to the interests of the United States, then how does giving American’s MORE oil make sense? To prove my point I thought I would run through a hypothetical. For purposes of this hypothetical I get to be a Representative in Congress. Let us say a Rep. from NY. You come into my office and tell me you are seriously concerned about a friend of yours and that you would like to know how the government can help. This friend is addicted to heroin, and this addiction has affected her life and she is starting to fall behind on mortgage payments because most of her paycheck is being “shipped” over to drug-dealers whom you have little respect for. So you come into my office and ask for some help.



I smile and tell you I have the perfect solution. First, the problem starts with the high price of heroin, and the solution should work toward reducing the cost. In this capacity we should allow domestic drug dealers to grow heroin inside the US so we can increase the supply. Upon increasing the supply we can decrease the price of heroin. With this decrease in the cost, your friend can now afford to use heroin and make her mortgage payments. In addition, we will have the added benefit of supporting the domestic use of heroin rather than shipping money toward international “suppliers” of heroin who may have bad intentions for your friend as well as the United States. As a side note, you may hear that growing domestic heroin may take around 8-10 years before it becomes available, but we will be on our way toward heroin independence and significantly lower the price.



After listening intently to my solution, you lean back in your chair, and fight the urge to punch yourself in the face for having voted to put me in office. Rather than pulling your hair out, you look me in the eye and ask me never to speak again. In response to my incredibly stupid argument you state the following: First, even if I thought this wasn’t the stupidest idea I have ever heard, my friend needs help now. She can’t wait 8 years while she misses her mortgage payments. By that time she will be homeless, lying face down in a puddle imagining that she is exploring the caves of Mount Kilimanjaro. Second, the ENTIRE POINT of this conversation was to get my friend off of heroin, NOT TO MAKE SURE SHE HAS CHEAP HEROIN!!

Now imagine I decided to run for president on this platform, and I make this argument every day to millions of Americans. You would think that millions of Americans would be pulling their hair out and embarrassed that a major candidate for President could have such a stupid idea.

5 comments:

the unbeatable kid said...

if you run for president in a nation full of addicts, lowing the price of heroin might work in your favor.

the nice thing about heroin is that, unlike oil, it's a renewable resource.

Kid Dammit said...

You guys know McCain is going to win, right?

Diggs said...

Yeah I know. But thankfully the Democrats will increase their majority in the house and senate.

the unbeatable kid said...

Don't worry.

Diggs said...

It looks like the House buckled. I wonder what the Senate will do.