October 3, 2007

Bear Stuntman

I know what you're thinking: How many different ways can a bear get himself into some kind of hilarious physical predicament that will amuse millions of people with internet access? Although we may never have a definitive numerical the answer to that question, we do know that it just got higher a few weeks ago when a bear was found clinging to the bottom of bridge 80 feet above the ground.

So, how the hell did the bear get there? It's funny you should ask. Apparently, the bear was crossing the bridge on foot when it two cars came barreling down the road. And if you know this particular bear you know that it wasn't about to be just another statistic like a chump. No, sir. In what I can only imagine in slow motion with a 360 degree pan, the bear desperately leaped off the bridge narrowly avoiding a speeding vehicle then twisted in midair to grab the edge of a concrete arch and then dragged himself up onto the ledge.

Don't worry; the bear turned out to be fine thanks to some human ingenuity. On the other hand, the bear was forced to spend over 24 hours on the ledge thanks to some human ineptitude which you can read me blathering about if you like.

I may not be a big Hollywood exec but if I were I'd be shoveling money into that bear's mouth in order to get him into an action movie produced by my company. And, if that didn't work I'd try shoveling honey or fish or whatever else might be convincing to bears. Alls I know is that that caniform is box office gold. I would call it something like "Not So Gentle Ben." Jesus, Hollywood! Do I have to do your whole damn job for you?

The worst part of the episode is the puns that that are coming fast and furious from the news agencies who are describing the whole situation. The bear avoided a "grizzly" end (MSN). The "bare necessities" of saving a bear's life were a pole and a net (Daily Mail). I'll spare you more ugliness and stop now. It's like there's a journalistic pun quota for these wacky offbeat or human interest stories. To sum up:

bear's role in the story = heroic and amusing
humans' role in the story = embarrassing

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